Worthiness

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worthiness


Definition:
noun

1.how suitable someone or something is
2.the quality of deserving respect or attention

source: Cambridge Dictionary


1.The quality of being good enough; suitability
 1.1 The quality of deserving attention or respect

source: Oxford Dictionary


When I am in crisis, question of worthiness always comes up in front of my existence. Am I worthy of existence? Am I worthy of keep existing? Am I ever be worthy of living?


As long as I can remember, I have been feeling I have to earn to exist. I am not worthy of being this life. Therefore, at least, I want to make someone's life worthy, I want to make someone feel worthy of themselves.


A part of that is my drama character, and another large part of that is because my brother passed away when he was 17 and I was 11. As I digested the fact of his death, I wondered why it is me still living and not him. Am I worthy of living? Why he is dead and I am alive? I wanted him to be alive not me.


So much complication in the young mind. I just wanted to know why I am here in the world. Why I was born and keep living. 


Questions kept coming up as I encountered people in the close circle were passing away. 


There is no definitive answer to it. 


Maybe question is wrong. Question is why I feel that way, not worthy of living? What's the feeling beneath of unworthy?

When I sink into the feeling of unworthiness, there's massive space of love towards my brother opened up.

I just miss him. I just love him. I just want him to be here.


It's not about me, it's about him. It's about my feeling towards him.


I was just projecting the intensity of love into my own existence. Suppressing, protecting, mining the true magnitude of love so that I don't feel the pain.

It hurts.  Love hurts.  

Love can make you strong, not only make you feel hurt and painful. 


How can I tune into the part of love that makes me strong?


How can I feel the magnitude of love without fear of pain?


Keep asking whether you are asking right questions if you feel stuck in the familiar pattern of thoughts in life. 

You may get the answer right this time around.



Keep entertaining our curiosity. Going within and without. 

Meditate, research, study, play and let's have a fun in life!





























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